Much of what I've been reading up on warns of moments of anxiety and/or depression pre-surgery. Well, it's definitely hit me this past weekend. Of course the hit and run driver that demolished part of my front yard at 1am taking out the bumper and tail light of my mother's car in the process didn't help. Nothing like not hearing it happen and waking up to the mayhem.
And then there is the fact that income situations aren't totally stable right now. Lots of complicated nonsense that doesn't help keep me sane. But nothing I can't handle, been there done that before.
Also, I had my first full family gathering since getting my surgery date. Most people are very supportive when I tell them of my decision. A few tell me I don't look big enough. (Um, 100lbs overweight isn't "big enough"?) Then there are the naysayers, the one's who know someone who had an r-n-y and it "didn't work", "they're still fat", "their dead"... Really helpful info there. The "Do you really understand what you're in for by having the surgery?" "You know you can't have that ever again?" All the overly concerned friends and family that think I'm ordering the surgery off a menu or something and not bothering to learn anything about it first.
Well, I have done my homework on the surgery, I've dealt with money crisises before, and the car and property can be fixed. I will survive. It's just all overwhelming right now. I have 42 days till surgery, I will find a way not to let everything get me down. :)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
The next step...check!
So I finally have my surgery date, June 28th. This will be the beginning of a new life for me. Of course I need to get serious about preparing myself. Trying to actually lose some weight beforehand is essential. Not that physically I'm huge. Don't get me wrong I'm sitting at a 41 or 42 BMI and carrying plenty of extra "junk in the trunk". But unlike many people sitting at 255+ I still have a waist and hips, just not nearly as defined as they were 20 years ago. As I put on weight over the years I put it on all over, not just around the middle or in the hips and thighs like some do. Of course after the 3rd baby I am carrying more right around the mid-section.
You see I was dealing with a work related injury when I was last pregnant. Pregnancy and I have always been interesting. I actually would lose weight when pregnant without trying! I would eat and eat and eat just to maintain my current weight. Then I would always be smaller when I left the hospital after their birth. After my second I was under 200 the day I went home! Of course as soon as my nurlings started adding solid food to their diet I gained every ounce plus back. Well with my son, my youngest, I couldn't exercise the way I used to to get my abdominal muscles back in shape. Bad back and ankle. :( So I never lost the extra around the middle that I did with my girls. I got pregnant at 248 and gave birth at 252 and came home from the hospital at 248. Then promptly, when he started solids, packed on another 29 lbs!
Well, now I have a new "due date", the date of my surgery to look forward to and dread all at the same time. I've been reading about the experiences of others on blogs, message boards and watching videos on YouTube. Most are very inspirational, but some scare me too. The idea of being in so much pain right after surgery does not appeal to me. But I know this is not the "easy" way out. I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. The emotional pain is far worse than a few weeks or months of physical pain in my opinion. Now ask me this again in a few months. LOL The answer might be different.
You see I was dealing with a work related injury when I was last pregnant. Pregnancy and I have always been interesting. I actually would lose weight when pregnant without trying! I would eat and eat and eat just to maintain my current weight. Then I would always be smaller when I left the hospital after their birth. After my second I was under 200 the day I went home! Of course as soon as my nurlings started adding solid food to their diet I gained every ounce plus back. Well with my son, my youngest, I couldn't exercise the way I used to to get my abdominal muscles back in shape. Bad back and ankle. :( So I never lost the extra around the middle that I did with my girls. I got pregnant at 248 and gave birth at 252 and came home from the hospital at 248. Then promptly, when he started solids, packed on another 29 lbs!
Well, now I have a new "due date", the date of my surgery to look forward to and dread all at the same time. I've been reading about the experiences of others on blogs, message boards and watching videos on YouTube. Most are very inspirational, but some scare me too. The idea of being in so much pain right after surgery does not appeal to me. But I know this is not the "easy" way out. I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. The emotional pain is far worse than a few weeks or months of physical pain in my opinion. Now ask me this again in a few months. LOL The answer might be different.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
To Everything There Is...
Trying to come up with a title for your blog is never an easy task. At first I thought I'd use "Redefining Me", yet somehow that doesn't explain my purpose in this blog. So I fell back to an old standby of mine, the verses from Ecclesiates, Chapter 3. "To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven..." Seems to sum up where I am at right now quite well. I have had many trials and tribulations in my life and somehow I've always pulled through. So why, now, create this blog?
Growing up I was never a part of the "popular" crowd. I was always far to independent and preferred to lead rather than follow. Although I did try to fit in on occasion and found more heartache than not. Once I accepted myself for who and what I am I found more happiness than I could have imagined. But first I had to go through periods of hating myself, resorting to alcohol and late nights at the clubs to make myself feel important.
About 15 years ago I finally made it through the fog that had clouded my life and met a wonderful man. Although we have had our share of trials in our relationship we always seem to find our way back to that good place that makes this relationship so special. And let me tell you from money troubles to having and Autistic child to disability we've had some hard road to traverse.
Now mind you, I'm not a practicing Christian, in fact I prefer to follow my own path of the Old Religion. Yet I have a profound respect for all religions so I do not feel blasphemous using this particular verse to frame my new blog. There is a time to sew and a time to reap and after years of hard struggling I feel I am finally beginning to reap.
Now I'm in the midst of preparing for bariatric surgery and I will chronicle that here as well. But for the most part this is just an outlet for me to ramble on about life in general. So into the fray of the blogosphere I go and hope that those who find this blog will be able to reap something from my ramblings if it be nothing more than a sense of who I am and who you can be.
Growing up I was never a part of the "popular" crowd. I was always far to independent and preferred to lead rather than follow. Although I did try to fit in on occasion and found more heartache than not. Once I accepted myself for who and what I am I found more happiness than I could have imagined. But first I had to go through periods of hating myself, resorting to alcohol and late nights at the clubs to make myself feel important.
About 15 years ago I finally made it through the fog that had clouded my life and met a wonderful man. Although we have had our share of trials in our relationship we always seem to find our way back to that good place that makes this relationship so special. And let me tell you from money troubles to having and Autistic child to disability we've had some hard road to traverse.
Now mind you, I'm not a practicing Christian, in fact I prefer to follow my own path of the Old Religion. Yet I have a profound respect for all religions so I do not feel blasphemous using this particular verse to frame my new blog. There is a time to sew and a time to reap and after years of hard struggling I feel I am finally beginning to reap.
Now I'm in the midst of preparing for bariatric surgery and I will chronicle that here as well. But for the most part this is just an outlet for me to ramble on about life in general. So into the fray of the blogosphere I go and hope that those who find this blog will be able to reap something from my ramblings if it be nothing more than a sense of who I am and who you can be.
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